PLIGHT OF THE FATHERLESS

THE IMPORTANCE OF FATHERS CANNOT BE UNDERSTATED. ESPECIALLY IN THE LIVES OF YOUNG MEN WHO NEED A PATERNAL FIGURE TO GUIDE THEM. IT IS NO COINCIDENCE THAT A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF MEN INCARCERATED COME FROM FATHERLESS HOMES. THIS PIECE IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO DIMINISH THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTHERS, AS I KNOW PERSONALLY I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM AND WHO I'VE BECOME WITHOUT MY MOTHER (AND SISTER). THEY ARE THE EPITOME OF STRENGTH AND SACRIFICE. AND I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL TO THEM. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS TO HIGHLIGHT THE IMPORTANCE OF FATHERS. BEING A FATHER IS JUST NOT BEING THERE, BUT BEING PRESENT. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. POSTING PHOTOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA CLAIMING TO LOVE YOUR CHILD IS NOT BEING A FATHER. PROVIDING. TEACHING. PROTECTING. BEING INVOLVED IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR CHILD, THOSE ARE SOME OF THE JOB REQUIREMENTS. I DIDN'T RECEIVE THAT, NO POSITIVE MALE INFLUENCE TO SPEAK OF. I WAS A FATHERLESS SON. 

GROWING UP IT WASN'T EVEN A CONSCIOUS THING FOR ME. IT WAS SORT OF THE NORM. I WAS JUST A KID WITH NO FATHER. THAT ALL CHANGED ONE MORNING IN MY LATE TWENTIES. I WAS SITING IN MY LIVING ROOM WITH A FRIEND OF MINE, WE HAD BEEN DRINKING. SOMEHOW THE CONVERSATION VEERED INTO HOW MUCH HE LOVED HIS FATHER. HE STARTED LISTING THINGS HE HAD LEARNED FROM HIS FATHER, WISDOM. A LOT OF THE THINGS HE MENTIONED WERE AREA IN WHICH I FELT I LACKED, BEING "A MAN". AT THAT MOMENT IT JUST HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS, I DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER. IT HURT, DEEPLY. IN THE FOLLOWING YEARS I'VE TRIED DIFFERENT WAYS OF COPING. I CONSIDERED REACHING OUT BUT CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT REALLY WOULDN'T HELP. I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING HE COULD'VE TOLD ME, BUT THERE ARE REASONS.

THE DYNAMIC IN MY SCENARIO GETS A BIT COMPLICATED. A PART OF ME COULD BETTER UNDERSTAND THE DECISION MY FATHER MADE TO LEAVE IF IT WERE JUST THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY. IT TURNS OUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE. HE HAD SEVERAL OTHER CHILDREN BESIDES MY SISTER AND MYSELF. THE ICING ON THE CAKE IS THAT HE NAMED HIS FIRST BORN SON FROM HIS NEW MARRIAGE AFTER HIMSELF, WHICH JUST HAPPENED TO BE MY NAME. I WAS HIS NAMESAKE. HE BASICALLY REPLACED ME. HIS MIRROR IMAGE. LEFT TO FEND FOR MYSELF, ALONE, SCARED AND UNSURE. NO GUIDE. WE NEEDED YOU. I NEEDED YOU. THE TIMES WHEN I LACKED COURAGE, I NEEDED YOU. WHEN I FELL OFF MY BIKE I NEEDED YOU TO BE THERE TO TELL ME TO GET BACK ON. I NEVER DID. THE TIMES I'VE FELT ALONE AND NEEDED A FRIEND, I DESERVED THAT. WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE? WAS IT SOMETHING I DID? I LOOK JUST LIKE YOU, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. I YEARN TO KNOW WHERE I COME FROM. IS MY INTELLECT, MUSICAL TALENT AND INTUITION INNATE, GOD GIVEN OR SOMETHING PASSED DOWN ONTO ME? WHAT WISDOM COULD YOU HAVE SHARED WITH ME? WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM YOUR FATHER? THIS IS THE LOAD CREATED ON THE FATHERLESS. UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. INSECURITY. DOUBT. SELF LOATHING. THESE TRAUMAS ARE THINGS WE CARRY INTO OUR ADULT LIVES. IT IS SOMETHING THAT ONLY FAITH CAN HEAL.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT IS THE FIRST STEP. BEING UNAFRAID TO CONFRONT AND SHARE YOUR  PAIN. MY PAIN. WE ARE NOT ALONE. BELIEVING THAT IT IS NOT OUR FAULT WE WERE ABANDONED. WE DID NOTHING WRONG. THE FATHERS THAT LEFT US DIDN'T LOVE THEMSELVES, AND QUITE HONESTLY WE WERE PROBABLY BETTER OFF FOR IT. THAT'S A LOT EASIER TO COMPREHEND NOW, AS AN ADULT. THE AFTER EFFECTS OF ABANDONMENT RUN DEEP. IT'S AFFECTED MY SELF CONFIDENCE, HEIGHTEN MY INSECURITIES AND IT'S BEEN A STRUGGLE TO EVEN LIKE, LET ALONE LOVE MYSELF. HOW COULD I? MY FATHER DIDN'T.

SHARING HAS BEEN A TREMENDOUS HELP. SPEAKING TO OTHERS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED SIMILAR ISSUES LET'S YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. LOOKING TO THE WORD. FAITH AND SPIRITUALITY. LEARNING TO FORGIVE, OTHERS AND ONESELF. LEARNING TO LOVE, THAT'S BEEN KEY. LOVING AND ACCEPTING MYSELF HAS PROBABLY BEEN THE MOST DIFFICULT THING OF ALL BUT BEING SURROUNDED BY LOVE MAKES IT EASIER. MY FIANCÉ, FAMILY, FRIENDS, BIBLE STUDY, GOD. I THANK YOU.

I WANT TO END THIS PIECE WITH A LETTER I WOULD HOPE MY FATHER COULD READ:

I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT I LOVE YOU. I WISH THINGS WOULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT BUT THEY AREN'T. EVEN THOUGH I AM THE FRUIT OF YOUR SEED I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR TREE. YOU WERE THE WIND THAT CARRIED THE SEED WHERE IT NEEDED TO BE PLANTED. AND LIKE THAT, YOU WERE GONE. YOU WERE THIS MYTHICAL FIGURE THAT EXISTED IN THIS FAR OFF LAND, SPOKEN SO HIGHLY OF. I LOOK LIKE YOU, SOUND LIKE YOU. LAST TIME I SAW YOU I NOTICED WE EVEN HAVE THE SAME HANDS. I THOUGHT BEING YOUR SON WAS A PART OF MY PURPOSE, TO CARRY ON THE LINEAGE. TO LEARN FROM YOU. TO BE NURTURED BY YOU. TO GROW IN YOUR PRESENCE. TO MAKE YOU PROUD. I WAS WRONG. I NEEDED TO SEE THAT I AM A PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER, THAT'S NOT PHYSICAL, VISIBLE OR LIMITED. I HAVE CARRIED THE SCARS OF THE WOUND CREATED BY YOUR ABANDONMENT, CONSCIOUSLY AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY ALL MY LIFE. THE IRONY IS THAT I AM NOW THANKFUL AND SOMEHOW GRATEFUL. I NOW SEE YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER I NEEDED TO LOOK UP TO. MY CONNECTION TO THE CREATOR IS WHAT I'VE LACKED, AND THAT RELATIONSHIP IS BURGEONING. YOUR PURPOSE WAS FULFILLED. YOU COULDN'T GUIDE ME BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO.