PRESENT & PAST THE FUTURE

EVERYTHING THAT I WRITE ABOUT ARE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES THAT I STRUGGLE WITH. I AM WRITING AND SHARING THEM BECAUSE IT IS MY HOPE THAT SOMEONE READING THIS CAN RELATE TO AND USE MY TESTIMONY AS A REFERENCE TO BUILD UP COURAGE AND FACE THEIR OWN STRUGGLES. IT PAINS ME TO NOTE THAT I REACHED MY THIRTIES WITHOUT BEING CONSCIOUS OF HOW BROKEN I WAS. AND IT HAS TAKEN SOME INTENTIONAL SOUL SEARCHING AND HUMILITY TO REALIZE HOW MY PAST WAS AFFECTING MY PRESENT, AND DIRECTLY EFFECTING MY FUTURE. IT IS NOT EASY TO ADMIT THAT I WAS DELIBERATELY AVOIDING UNRESOLVED TRAUMAS  THROUGH THE USE OF ALCOHOL. INEBRIATION CREATED THE ILLUSION THAT THERE WASN'T ANYTHING I HAD TO DEAL WITH. THIS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERCEPTION AND REALITY IS SOMETHING I INTEND TO SPEAK ABOUT IN MORE DETAIL AT A LATER TIME AND IS IN LINE WITH MY PREVIOUS POST ROMANTICIZING FANTASY VS. LIVING IN REALITY. FOR NOW, I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU MY THOUGHTS ON LINEAR TIME. THE BEST WAY I CAN EXPLAIN LINEAR TIME IS COMPARING IT TO A FILM. WHEN WE SEE A FILM  IN A THEATER IT IS SEQUENTIAL, WE SEE THE BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END. BUT WHAT IF YOU TAKE THE ACTUAL FILM THE MOVIE WAS RECORDED ON AND LAY IT OUT, WHAT DO YOU SEE THEN? THE ENTIRE FILM ALL AT ONCE. SO IMAGINE REMOVING YOURSELF FROM YOUR REALITY AND BEING ABLE TO TAKE A GLIMPSE INTO THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. OUR PERCEPTION OF TIME AND SPACE IS LIMITED AND ONLY GOD CAN SEE TIME THIS WAY. ALL OF TIME IS HAPPENING AT ONCE. IT'S ALL TIED TOGETHER AND INTERCONNECTED. THIS EXPLAINS THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU. THAT FEELING OF OH I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, OR OH I'VE MET THAT PERSON ALREADY. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE. THAT'S MY THEORY, HOPE THAT WASN'T TOO SCI-FI. HAVING SAID THAT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT, ALTHOUGH WE ARE UNABLE TO CHANGE WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED, WE ARE IN FULL CONTROL OF THE THINGS WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING AND WILL DO. THAT IS FREE WILL. AND FREE WILL IS A GIFT FROM GOD.

THE PRESENT IS WHERE WE HAVE A CHANCE TO MOLD OURSELVES ON A DAILY BASIS. THE PAST MAY BE CEMENTED BUT THE FUTURE IS STILL BEING CREATED. I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THIS CONCEPT IN A VISUAL SENSE USING WATER IN IT'S THREE STATES: ICE, LIQUID AND VAPOR; ICE BEING THE PAST, LIQUID BEING THE PRESENT AND VAPOR BEING THE FUTURE. TWO OF THE THREE ARE TANGIBLE, RIGHT? AND THE THIRD IS SUBJECT TO ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONING BEFORE IT BECOMES FELT, LIKE: FOR INSTANCE: MIST, FOG, RAIN, HAIL, SNOW, ETC. HERE IS WHERE ALL OF THIS CAME INTO AWARENESS IN MY EXPERIENCE. AN EXAMPLE OF THIS WOULD BE A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN THAT ENDED POORLY. I WAS HEARTBROKEN. THAT HEARTBREAK DID NOT ALLOW ME TO MOVE FORWARD INTO OTHER REAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR NEARLY A DECADE. I LET THE PAIN OF THE PAST AFFECT MY PRESENT, UNTIL I DECIDED MY FUTURE WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PAST. IF WE CONSIDER BAD EXPERIENCES AND TRAUMAS FROM OUR PAST AS PIECES OF A GLACIER BREAKING OFF INTO THE OCEAN, WE MAY BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE PAST IS INFLUENCING OUR PRESENT AND BE PROACTIVE ABOUT PROTECTING OURSELVES AND OUR FUTURES FROM ADVERSE EFFECTS. JUST AS GLOBAL WARMING AND THE MELTING OF THE ICE CAPS ARE RAISING THE OCEAN LEVELS AND CREATING NEW CLIMATE PATTERNS ALL OVER THE WORLD, SO CAN OUR PAST AFFECT OUR PRESENT IN A WAY THAT  HAS FAR REACHING EFFECTS ON OUR LIFE’S JOURNEY. IF WE ARE MINDFUL OF THESE OCCURRENCES AND USE OUR POWER AS CREATORS IN OUR PRESENT TO INTENTIONALLY BREAK THROUGH THE DISCOMFORT AND MANAGE THE REPERCUSSIONS OF OUR PAST EMERGING FROM OUR SUBCONSCIOUS, WE CAN USE THEM AS TOOLS TO GROW AND EVOLVE. WE MUST CONSIDER THAT THE PAST IS NOT TRULY FORGOTTEN. RATHER, IT IS STORED AWAY IN THE ATTICS AND BASEMENTS OF OUR SUBCONSCIOUS. THE WARMTH OF GOOD MEMORIES, AND THE SADNESS OF BAD ONES, ARE A PART OF US. WE CANNOT ALLOW PIECES OF BAD MEMORIES TO ACCUMULATE AND STAGNATE OUR PRESENT. IF WE DO, WE COULD FIND OURSELVES EXPERIENCING THE EFFECT OF SPIRITUAL DAMS THAT CAN IMPEDE THE FLOW OF LIFE. IS IT FAIR TO ALLOW THE INTENTIONAL MOLDING OF OUR PRESENT TO COME TO A HALT BECAUSE OF THE PAST? SHOULD WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO REMAIN STUCK AND UNABLE TO TRULY MOVE FORWARD? IF WE ALLOW OUR PAST EXPERIENCES, WHETHER IT IS A BAD RELATIONSHIP, ABANDONMENT ISSUES, OR HAVING MADE THE WRONG CHOICES TO DOMINATE THE DYNAMICS OF THE PRESENT, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT CAN FEEL LIKE IT HAS PLATEAUED. AREN’T WE CALLED TO BE POWERFUL AND FEARLESS? DO WE WANT TO LIVE LIFE ON PLATEAUS OR AT THE HEIGHT OF OUR DREAMS? I HAVE FOUND IT IMPERATIVE TO PROACTIVELY CHIP AWAY AT THE GLACIAL ICE OF A PAST I HAVE NOT FACED. NOT ONLY THAT, I HAVE CREATED A SPACE IN MY MIND WHERE IT IS SAFE TO PROCESS THE BITS AND PIECES OF MEMORIES FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS THAT REQUIRE QUARANTINE. I KNOW I CANNOT LET A NEGATIVE PAST CONTINUE TO INFLUENCE MY LIFE’S DYNAMICS, PERSPECTIVES AND IMPULSES. I RECOGNIZE THAT MY FUTURE DEPENDS ON MAKING SURE I AM, IN ALL AREAS, FLUID AND DEVOTED TO MY PRESENT; NOT DISTRACTED OR HINDERED BY PATTERNS DEVELOPED TO KEEP ME SAFE FROM A PAST THAT COULD HAVE DESTROYED ME. NO LONGER WORRIED ABOUT SURVIVING BUT, RATHER, FOCUSED ON THRIVING, THERE IS ROOM FOR SELF-REFLECTION AND HEALING. THE FUTURE IS INTANGIBLE, I KNOW. BUT, LIKE I MENTIONED, THERE IS NO SENSE IN TRYING TO GRAB SOMETHING YOU CANNOT TOUCH. SO, KNOWING THE FUTURE AND PRESENT INTERSECT AT EACH SECOND, MINUTE, AND HOUR, WE KNOW THAT THE PRESENT IS BECOMING THE PAST AND THE FUTURE STARTS TAKING SHAPE AT THE SAME RATE. WHAT BECOMES OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE IS HOW WE MANAGE THE TIME WE HAVE AND THE CHOICES WE MAKE IN EACH MOMENT. ARE WE BUILDING THE FUTURE WE WANT? ARE WE EFFECTING THE VAPOR OF TIME TO MANIFEST ITSELF IN THE FORM WE NEED?

I HAVE TO ADMIT, THIS CONCEPT HAS HELPED ME BUT IS STILL HARD FOR ME TO GRASP. RECOGNIZING THE ESSENCE OF TIME AND NOT ACTIVELY APPLYING THE NECESSARY CHANGES IS HYPOCRITICAL, I KNOW. THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING TO BECOME BETTER AT BEING PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE. I KNOW I CANNOT LET MY PAST DEFINE MY PRESENT OR ALLOW MY PRESENT CHOICES TO BE ONES THAT DETER MY FUTURE BUT THERE ARE TIMES I FIND MYSELF IN OLD PATTERNS. FOR INSTANCE, SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS WORKING OUT AND GOING TO THE GYM HAS BEEN A HUGE CHALLENGE FOR ME FOR A LONG TIME. I TRY AND THEN GIVE UP. THAT IS MY PATTERN. WHAT I’VE CONCLUDED IS THAT EXPERIENCES FROM MY PAST TELL ME I'M A QUITTER AND I LIVE UP TO THAT TITLE DESPITE IT’S NEGATIVE IMPACT ON MY SUCCESS. I ALSO RECOGNIZE I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T DESERVE WHAT I WANT. THEREFORE, I DO NOT DESERVE TO LOOK OR FEEL THE WAY I ENVISION. IT’S NOT EASY TO ADMIT THAT THE RESULTS I HOPE FOR THE FUTURE HAVE NOT COME TO FRUITION BECAUSE OF MY CHOICE TO ALLOW SUBCONSCIOUS, UNEXAMINED BELIEFS DETERMINE MY COURSE OF ACTION. AND SO I RECOGNIZE THAT I HAVE TO CHIP AWAY AT THOSE BELIEFS AND QUARANTINE THEM; ANALYZE THEM AND COME TO NEW CONCLUSIONS ABOUT MYSELF THEREBY MAKING BETTER CHOICES. IT’S NOT EASY BUT, EVERY DAY, I WORK HARDER TO ENSURE TODAY IS FULL OF CHOICES THAT GET ME CLOSER TO MY GOALS.  THE FUTURE ME DOESN'T EXIST YET; TODAY IS WHEN I CAN, AND SHOULD, START TO BECOME HIM BY REPROGRAMMING MYSELF AND GAINING FREEDOM FROM THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS BIRTHED IN THE PAST; BY ACTUALLY CONFRONTING THE PAST AND PUSHING THROUGH IT; BY BECOMING MORE ALIGNED WITH SPIRITUALITY; BY SHARING MY JOURNEY AND EMBRACING FORGIVENESS, LOVE, COMPASSION…
 
I AM DEFINITELY A WORK IN PROGRESS, AS IS THE APPLICATION OF THIS CONCEPT AND THE MOTIVATION OR DESIRE TO USE IT. I REFLECT ON IT OFTEN AND SEE LIFE ITSELF IS LIKE THE OCEAN, WITH WAVES ALWAYS IN MOTION. TIME, LIKE THE CURRENT, NEVER STOPS. WITH EVERY WAVE AND CURRENT, WE ARE GIVEN OPPORTUNITIES TO MOVE FORWARD YET SOMETIMES ARE BLINDED BY OUR OWN INIQUITY AND STUCK ON TRYING TO REMEDY SITUATIONS WITH OLD HABITS INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR NEW SOLUTIONS; KIND OF LIKE GETTING CAUGHT IN A RIP TIDE. SOMETIMES I FEEL SHIP-WRECKED AND STRANDED ON AN ISLAND. CAN YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF THERE? SUPPOSE A SHIP COMES BY THAT IS ABLE TO RESCUE YOU FROM YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE. WOULD YOU BE TOO BUSY TRYING TO FIX THE OLD BROKEN DOWN ONE THAT GOT YOU STRANDED AND MISS THE SHIP THAT’S COME TO YOUR RESCUE? THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS NO, OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH! YOU WOULD GET ON THE SAVING SHIP AND BE GRATEFUL TO BE RESCUED. BUT, HOW MANY OF US ARE STILL TOILING AWAY, WORKING ON OUR BROKEN DOWN SHIP, TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF EXPERIENCES FROM THE PAST BOTH GOOD AND BAD, ALLOWING THEM TO MOLD AND INFLUENCE OUR PERSPECTIVE ON THE PRESENT. COMPLETELY MISSING OUR CHANCE AT MOVING ON. HOW MANY OF US ARE LETTING THE PAST AFFECT US TO OUR DETRIMENT? HOW MANY TIMES HAS THE PAST GOTTEN IN THE WAY OF YOU SEEING THE BLESSINGS RIGHT BEFORE YOU? BELIEVE ME, IT’S HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN I’D CARE TO ADMIT. AND SO, I AM HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE TO A NEW STANDARD BY SHARING THIS ALL WITH YOU.

MY FOCUS IS RESTING ON THIS CONCEPT AS A BEACON TO EMPOWER ME AS I BREAK THE CHAINS OF THE PAST. TODAY IS WHEN WE HAVE A CHANCE TO CORRECT THE ISSUES TROUBLING US. WAITING FOR TOMORROW WILL ONLY BE A WASTE OF TIME. WE CANNOT STAY STAGNANT OR PLATEAUED IF WE INTEND TO LIVE OUR LIVES TO THE FULLEST. I AM STARTING WITH MAKING SMALL CHANGES IN THE WAY I THINK AND SEEKING COUNSEL FROM PEOPLE I TRUST. I AM EVEN CONSIDERING A THERAPIST OR A PASTOR. I’M STARTING BECAUSE I KNOW THE FUTURE DOESN'T EXIST YET. THE PAST HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND I AM WHO I'VE BECOME BECAUSE OF IT. I AM COMING TO TERMS WITH UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ALL BY DESIGN. I’M DOING MY BEST TO WALK BY FAITH AND QUESTION JUST ENOUGH. WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO CREATE WHAT WE ENVISION. WE HAVE THE POWER TO MATERIALIZE THE DREAMS AND DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS. WORRYING ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE YET TO HAPPEN WILL NOT HELP. ACCEPTING THAT  IT IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS FOR ME BECAUSE WORRY IS ANOTHER PATTERN I’VE LIVED WITH. BUT ONCE I EMBRACE THE IDEA THAT WORRY CAN BE REPLACED WITH COURAGE I AM REMINDED THAT THE FUTURE STARTS NOW.