THE BUTTERFLY

“IT WAS CLEAR WHY THE STRUGGLE WAS SO PAINFUL, METAMORPHOSIS THIS IS WHAT I CHANGED TO, AND GOD I'M SO THANKFUL".

THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM "YOU'RE DA MAN" BY NAS. AND THESE LYRICS ARE POWERFUL. IN THE SONG, NAS TALKS ABOUT CONTINUED CHANGE THROUGHOUT HIS LIF; HAVING TO LEAVE A LIFESTYLE OF DRUGS, SEX, AND THE MATERIAL BEHIND BECAUSE IT WAS NOT CONDUCIVE TO HIS ADVANCEMENT. HE REALIZED THAT HE NEEDED TO TURN TO GOD AND ASK FOR HELP BECAUSE A TRANSITION WAS NECESSARY.

THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THIS SONG I INSTANTLY RELATED TO WHAT HE WAS SAYING. SO MUCH SO THAT THE LYRICS ARE TATTOOED ON THE ARM CLOSEST TO MY HEART AS A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT STRUGGLE CREATES CHARACTER, AND THAT CHARACTER STRUGGLE CREATES IS YOU. THIS IS A BASIC PRINCIPAL WE NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT AND LEARN FROM.THE STRUGGLE IS AS VALUABLE AS THE RAIN. THE SUN ALWAYS LOOKS BRIGHTER AFTER A CLOUDY DAY. AND NOTHING GROWS WITHOUT WATER.

STRUGGLE CAN COME IN VARIOUS FASHIONS. WHETHER SELF INFLICTED, CREATED BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES AROUND US OR A COMBINATION OF BOTH. I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE MUST CONTINUE OUR JOURNEY DESPITE AND IN SPITE OF ADVERSITY. MY STRUGGLES ARE INTERNAL. I DEAL WITH A CONSTANT BACK AND FORTH IN MY MIND: WHAT IF I AM NOT WHO I THINK I AM; WHAT IF I AM? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SELF DELUSION, SELF DEPRECATION AND MEEKNESS. AT TIMES, THOSE LINES ARE BLURRED. IT IS OFTEN TIMES A COLLISION OF THOUGHTS LIKE: I AM A DOPE CREATIVE AND I AM BETTER THAN MOST; MY CREATIONS ARE OK BUT AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH; OR WHAT I'VE CREATED SUCKS AND NO ONE IS INTERESTED, SO HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE A LIVING?  

I STRUGGLE WITH THIS ON A DAILY BASIS. 

THE FEAR OF SUCCESS AND THE FEAR OF FAILURE; BOTH ARE PARALYZING. THE DEEPER I DIG THE MORE I REALIZE THE TRUTH IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS CHAOS OF THOUGHTS BECAUSE IT IS PROMISED THAT I WILL FAIL AND I WILL SUCCEED. I MUST ACCEPT THIS. WE MUST ACCEPT THIS. IT IS THE TRUTH. THE SUCCESS OF OUR JOURNEYS DEPENDS MORE ABOUT LEARNING FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE SPECTRUM THAN DWELLING ON EITHER SIDE OF THESE OPPOSITE EXPERIENCES. LIFE PROVIDES US WITH LESSONS THAT WE MUST CHOOSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE. BECAUSE THE REALITY IS THAT THERE CAN BE SUCCESS IN AND THROUGH FAILURE IF YOU KEEPING MOVING IN PURPOSE.

I'VE PLACED BLAME ON OTHERS A MAJORITY OF MY ADULT LIFE AND HAVE HELD OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LACK OF SUCCESS. THOUGH THERE IS SOME TRUTH IN THE STATEMENT THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLDING ME BACK OR NEGLECTING TO SUPPORT ME, THERE IS THEN THE FACT THAT WE WERE GIFTED WITH FREE WILL AND WITH FREE WILL COMES RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR BAD CHOICES, AND UNDERSTANDING THE LESSONS IS ALWAYS AN UNWELCOME CHALLENGE.

AS I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS PIECE, I BEGAN EXAMINING MY PAST AND WHERE THE BLAME SHOULD ACTUALLY GO. I ASKED MYSELF: HAVE I ACCEPTED THAT THE STRUGGLES I'VE BLAMED OTHERS FOR WERE ACTUAL LESSONS PREPARING ME? NO, I HADN'T.

AS THIS INTERNAL DIALOGUE WAS TAKING PLACE I KEPT ON REPEATING THIS PHRASE: STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME. AT FIRST, IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR STRUGGLES; YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. BUT AS I CONTINUED REPEATING THIS, I HAD A SURREAL REALIZATION. THIS WASN'T ME SPEAKING AND THESE WEREN'T MY WORDS. THIS WAS GOD SPEAKING.

STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME. 
STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME.

I GET GOOSEBUMPS WRITING THIS BECAUSE I FELT THOSE WORDS IN THE FLESH AND IN THE SPIRIT. UP UNTIL LAST YEAR, GOD, FAITH & SPIRITUALITY HAD BEEN ABSENT FROM LIFE. I OPERATED IN THE PHYSICAL AND NOT IN THE PURPOSE GOD HAD INTENDED FOR ME. I NOW SEE I NEED TO STOP THIS INTERNAL CONFLICT, STOP ASSIGNING BLAME ON OTHERS, AND ANSWER TO GOD. I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED ON HIS INTENDED PURPOSE FOR ME WHICH IS TO USE THE GIFTS HE BLESSED ME WITH AS A SOURCE OF LIGHT AND INSPIRATION; TO WALK IN PURPOSE AND NOT BE RESTRAINED BY ADVERSITY OF ANY KIND; TO BE WHO I WAS ALWAYS INTENDED TO BE.

THAT IS FREEDOM.

ALL OF THIS MADE ME THINK ABOUT THE LIFE CYCLE OF A BUTTERFLY AND I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH. I FOUND OUT THAT A BUTTERFLY'S LIFESPAN IS ABOUT 2 MONTHS FROM THE LARVE STAGE UNTIL IT BECOMES AN ACTUAL BUTTERFLY. IT LIVES AS A BUTTERFLY FOR ONLY 2 WEEKS, AT MOST. SO, FOR 3/4 OF IT'S LIFE, THE BUTTERFLY IS LIMITED TO THE GROUND BUT CONSTANTLY CHANGING. WHILE IT IS IN THE CATERPILLAR STAGE, IT SLITHERS AWAY,SLOWLY. WHEN IT FINALLY BECOMES A BUTTERFLY, IT IS ABLE TO GLIDE. IT IS ABLE TO FLY.

MOST OF US MEANDER THROUGH LIFE. ​HOW MANY OF US ARE TRULY FLYING? HOW MANY OF US ARE STUCK IN A RUT, ASSIGNING BLAME TO OTHERS, AND NOT MOVING PAST TRAUMAS? HOW MANY OF US ARE WITHOUT HOPE?

OUR CONSCIOUSNESS HAS THE CAPACITY OF ACTING AS A COCOON FOR OUR SPIRITS. SPIRITS ARE REAL. A FORM OF ENERGY THAT IS ALL AROUND US. YOU CAN FEEL AT TIMES AS SOME WALK AROUND BROKEN AND MAD AT THE WORLD OR JOYUS AND CAREFREE. WE'VE ALL EXPERIENCED THIS. FOR INSTANCE, MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND INSTANTLY KNOWING IF THEY ARE SOMEONE YOU CAN CONNECT WITH OR NOT. SPIRITS THAT ARE WOUNDED HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES TO NEED TO BE CONFRONTED. IF WE ACCEPT EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH IN LIFE AS LESSONS, WE WOULD EVENTUALLY GROW INTO WHO WE ARE ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE: FREE

WHAT DO YOU DESIRE?

THAT QUESTION LIES IN YOUR HEART, AND GOD HAS PLACED IT THERE FOR A REASON. GO TO HIM AND ASK FOR GUIDANCE. THE CATERPILLAR DESIRES TO BECOME A BUTTERFLY. TO BE FREE. THAT IS IT'S PURPOSE. OUR SPIRITS HAVE THE SAME DESIRE; TO BE FREE.

THAT COMES WITH LIVING IN PURPOSE. 

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH AND HOW TO START FACING IT. SHARE YOUR STRUGGLE AND SPEAK TO GOD. IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO FREE YOUR SPIRIT AND BECOME THE BUTTERFLY YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.

 PHOTO: JESSICA ARANGO                                        EDIT: TITO ANTON